Thy Will Be Done? What does that mean? What does it mean to you? I'm not really sure anymore. I would like to say that my faith is always strong and that I always lean on that everlasting love, but that is not true. I'm distracted A LOT! Like this song says, "Sometimes I gotta stop and remember that you are God and I am not."
Over the last 4 months, I've felt a fog over me. A deep, sorrowing, drowning feeling. I put a smile on my face when I'm around others, and I continue to be the "keeper" of my family, but I feel like I am daily pulling myself out of a rut. Sometimes I shout at God and ask him Why? Sometimes I cry at the drop of a hat and wonder if God is even there anymore. I wonder if he is listening or if all of the demons from my past prevent him from being able to hear me.
I sing, I play the piano, I listen to music.....and I am reminded that he loves me and that his sorrows are deeper than mine could ever be. Music is my sanctuary. It's my place to connect. It's where I find God when I can't seem to find him otherwise. I've heard people say that it's just "emotions" when you get all "wishy washy" over a song. I disagree with that on the greatest level of levels. Maybe for some people it is. For me, and for many other "musicians" or people who connect to "music" would argue with me on that. When I hear or sing a song about how much Jesus loves me, I feel that love. I cry through the words sometimes and beg God to help me feel it in a new way. Music is something that makes my heart beat. Jerry is the same way. I believe this is one of the ways that originally connected us.
Jerry can't play very well anymore. The numbness in his left hand has gotten to the point that he can't feel the strings on the guitar well enough to play the right chords. Jerry has been playing the guitar for almost 50 years! This has been very hard on him. This is only one area in his life that has been affected. I can't begin to completely understand how he feels, but I can try. I can't imagine if I were to loose the ability to play the piano. I find so much solace in playing. It brings me a peace. Jerry used to just go into another room and play and play for hours. He loved to play and sing. On top of not being able to play the same, he also can't sing the same. His words don't come out when or how he wants them to all the time. It can be very frustrating for him. He struggles at times just to say the most simple words. His brain will not let them come out how he wants them to.
This has broken my heart. I feel so bad for him. I can see the hurt and pain in his eyes, not just the physical pain, but the mental and emotional pain. That fear that he will never be the same again. He is so tired after working all day.
If you've been following our story, or if you read my bio, then you know that I was a stay at home mom for many years. 2 years ago I went back to work. I loved my job. I was a preschool teaching assistant and I loved my job to the point that it was hard when the kids would leave for the summer. I just wanted to bring them all home with me! But.....the pay was not great. It was an "affordable" tuition based preschool program, which means....the teachers don't get paid a lot. (Sorry if this offends anyone) I don't think it's a big secret that teachers on most levels, don't get paid what they deserve!!! Anyway, because of Jerry's condition seeming to deteriorate, I started looking for another job last May. I was looking for more $ so Jerry could work less, and I was also looking for Full Benefits. The first job didn't pan out, so I applied for another, then another, then another. It's easy now, cause you can do it all online through hiring sites. I mostly used indeed.com. That is the same site that we use for our business to hire mechanics so it was familiar to me. After applying for near 45 jobs, being called for 5 of them, one I turned down over the phone, 4 I interviewed, 1 was a scam (insurance agency trying to recruit people to open a business), 2 I was not offered the job and 1 offer finally came in. This offer was not EXACTLY what I was looking for, but it was better money than I was making and it was full time, year round so I would be more $. I verbally accepted the offer, but was not starting for 2 weeks due to my vacation and unavailability before then. Our vacation was at our Church Campground called Covenant Hills. That week, I will just say, was a very tough week for Jerry and myself. Jerry was on chemotherapy a good part of the week, and our vacation was just "different" this year. I felt lost, alone, and afraid much of the time I was there. I would take my dog for a walk and I would wonder how other peoples lives were. I wondered if other people were carrying around the heavy load and burden that I was. So, I started praying for people as I saw them, as I was walking. I would pray for God to give them guidance in their decisions, faith when their faith seemed weak, and friends when they needed friends. I prayed for them~what I needed for myself. I was not feeling "good" about my job that I was going to start. It was not a 9-5 day job, I could work some evening and I was very likely going to work many Saturdays. This would put more pressure on Jerry and his responsibilities at home. This was not what I was trying to do for our family, or for Jerry. I was trying to find something that would "help" us, "help" him. By the end of our camping trip, that unsettling feeling in my stomach regarding my new job turned into a decision that I was going to decline the offer as soon as I got home. So I did. I sent an email, 4 days before I was supposed to start and told them that I was sorry, but I realized the job wasn't the right fit for myself or my family. I explained Jerry's condition and told them I was worried I was going to burden him too much with the hours I would be working. Instantly, I felt better. I still had a job. I still had a good job, a job that I loved and a job that allowed me to be there for my kids before and after school and also offered all the same days off that they had. God must want me to keep this job. Then the next day happened. I received a phone call from a job that I had applied for over a month before. They wanted to meet me the very next morning at 8:30 am. My daughter was having oral surgery that day at 9:40 am and I had to think fast. I figured out a way to make it work as long as I was out of there by 9:00. I told them this. I figured at this point, what do I have to loose, right? I probably wouldn't get it anyway....I hadn't gotten the other jobs.....my competition is 20 years younger than me, I was loosing confidence. I went to the interview at 8:30 (I was actually there before the employer who was interviewing me...haha) I told them, I'm older than my competition (I assumed) but I had experience, experience working with people, experience working with kids, I didn't just graduate from college, but I had experience in the real world. I left by 9:00 am. I didn't care at this point, I needed to get to my daughter. Her surgery was over by 10:30. My daughter's boyfriend brought her home, while I went to the store to get her some food and her prescriptions. As I pulled in the Meijer parking lot around 10:45, only a couple hours after my interview, I received a phone call with an offer for the job I had interviewed for that very morning. They wanted me! I was stoked and almost shocked! My new boss, the one who called me was so surprised at my response, that she thought I had accepted an offer to another job and that I didn't want it! I was almost speechless!! haha! That's when I told her that I was very grateful and I was thankful for the opportunity. Her words to me were "I just prayed that we would find the right person, and we believe you are her". My confirmation that God had not forgotten about me. My confirmation that he was still listening and that he was still looking out for me. That unsettling feeling that I had with the other job was God telling me to be patient and to wait. Once I listened, he moved.
When I'm in doubt, I listen to music. This song below touched me after I received the job offer. I cried in the parking lot of Meijer. You are enough for me God. I don't think that God is angry that I questioned him. I think he expects that. He just wants us to come back, like Kari says in this video, he wants us to lean in to him - he wants us to surrender - he wants our hearts. When I surrendered my own will, when I could tell that what I was doing on my own did not feel good, I gave it up....I walked away and just prayed that God would provide for Jerry and I, and He did!
My new job is a secretary at an elementary school with full benefits. I'm so grateful and so thankful!