Friday, May 18, 2012

Well, it seems that life has been a little crazy lately.  Our oldest daughter is running track, our middle daughter is playing softball and our youngest daughter is in dance and we are attending each ones events as much as we can, all with a 1 year old in tow.....  Jerry has been very tired lately (I can't figure out why? :)  He is a very strong man.  I tell him to skip this practice, or this meet, or this game and he says "No" I get a chance to be a Dad all over again, I'm going to do it right and learn from some of the mistakes I made with my older boys!  From what I hear from Jerry's mom and even his oldest son Brad, he was a wonderful father to his older boys....but isn't it true that as we get older, we do realize some of the mistakes we made and try to do better all over again???  Jerry is a wonderful step father to our girls and a wonderful father to our son.  His older boys are grown and on their own and he loves them both very much and is thankful for them in his life as well.  In regards to his health:  He is still taking his Protocel every 4.5 hours, 12 hrs a day.  He goes for an MRI on June 25, which is almost a year to the date that we found out that he had a brain tumor.  His Biopsy was on June 28, 2011 which did confirm his diagnosis.  Please continue to pray for healing and peace for Jerry.  He and I are both very nervous for his next MRI.  We just talked yesterday about it....he doesn't know what path he will go down if it is still there and has grown.  It can be very depressing at times for him and for me.  The other day he was in another room from me and he hiccuped, and you know that sometimes hiccups can sound pretty weird, I heard it twice and after the second time, I rushed into the room to where he was, the worst was going through my mind (because I didn't know what that crazy sound was).  Any day, and at any time, Jerry could have a seizure, so when I heard that, I freaked, and with my heart pounding I saw that Jerry was sitting there as calm as ever.  I just walked out of the room and couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face.  The fear that overtook me at that moment, at the possibilities of what could be happening overwhelmed me...so much that my emotions took over.  It took me a minute or two to contain myself and then just left the room.  I didn't tell Jerry right away how scared I was.  I felt silly at first thinking that his "hiccup" could scare me so badly, but it is a true reality.  A reality that sometimes I feel very alone in.   This blog is good for me, it is an out....a way for me to vent....bare with me please.

On another note....

I had a nice conversation with my mom today.  I was able to tell her how great of a mom she has always been.  Of course, when my mom looks back, she sees the things that she could have done better, I see a great and loving mom who did the best she could with what she had.  I am truly blessed to have the parents that I have and Jerry is blessed to have the parents he has/had.  Jerry's father passed away several years ago and I hear Jerry constantly say that he never showed his dad the appreciation that he should have.  Jerry loved his dad very much, but got so caught up in his own life, and his own dreams that he feels today that he didn't let his dad know enough how much he meant to him or how much he learned from his dad. 

I guess I take what I hear from Jerry and try to do better with my own kids and parents.  I want them to know how I feel about them.  I want my parents to know that I love and admire them as parents and as a couple.  They are an inspiration.  I want my mother in law to know that I love her and appreciate her very much as well.  I am truly blessed by this life that God has given me.  In mine and Jerry's bible study this week, we talked about the "pearl" in an oyster and how that pearl was developed from a little bit of sand and through the process that God designed, it becomes a beautiful pearl.    How true is that for us as well?  God designed us to be imperfect, full of sin, and to have so many flaws that we need him to perfect us, to turn us into a great "pearl".  Through our imperfections (our sins) he takes those things and makes us stronger, hopeful and more reliant on our One True God.  I'm not sure this is what I was suppose to get out of this weeks class, but this is what I got out of it.  I wake up just about every morning and have to re-forgive myself from mistakes from my past, I have to constantly remind myself that I am beautiful inside and out.  That I have been made perfect in God's eyes and even through my imperfections I am still "fearfully and wonderfully made". 

I guess today I am reminding myself to be thankful for all that I have and even for the imperfections of my past, present and my future.  These imperfections make me realize more every day that I am a sinner in need of Grace.  I love the Lord Jesus, and I am so thankful for the path he has chosen for me.  I want everyday to be a blessing to those around me and to forgive those who hurt me.  I want to completely "Let Go and Let God". 

Romans 8:28 says  "In all things God works for the good of those who love him that are called according to his purpose"

God works in every circumstance, every illness, every trial, every sin and every triumph.  Just listen and you will hear him.