Thursday, January 22, 2015

Breaking Point

Yesterday I had a weird kind of day.  I usually am pretty composed and do not think too much or too often about my husbands tumor.  That sounds bad, I know...but when you are living it, you learn to just "live" and not dwell on what you cannot do anything about.  But yesterday, well I had a "rough", weird kind of day.  I posted something on a social media page, and my intent was not to draw attention to my situation, rather it was an attempt to help people to understand that when someone is in need, to reach out to them, not just "offer" to reach out to them.  Anyway, the post blew up and people were private messaging me and offering me their services and prayers and well wishes, and it was quite overwhelming to be honest.  I actually didn't respond to everything until the next day because it was just "too much".  When my husband came to bed, he had no idea what I had been dealing with and I totally broke down.  I told him that I didn't want him to die.  I told him that I needed him to be healthy so that his body could heal, I told him that I'm usually quiet, but that doesn't mean I don't care, it is because I'm always trying to remain strong for him.  It was crazy, I don't think my husband knew how to respond to me.

Earlier that day I had just researched a new hospital for him because he said he wanted to proceed with finding a new Neurologist/Neurosurgeon/Oncologist.  Is that why I broke down?  My husband and I had also met with a financial specialist to help us out and my husband said, "This is more for her because I probably won't be around", is that why I broke down?  I don't know, what I do know is that it is a difficult place to be.  I usually am quiet, because I can't imagine what it is like to be the "one" with the brain tumor, and I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself.  But I do....I feel sorry for me.  I feel sorry for myself all the time.  I want a healthy husband, I want to grow old with him, and I want all the same dreams that every other couple wants....but quite often my thoughts are "Where will I live if something happens to him", "What will I do with all his "things" that he cherishes so much?" How will I tell our son, who is only 4 today, that his dad is gone?  How will I survive?  How will I cope?  I told my husband last night that I could never re-marry.  Why on God's earth am I thinking these thoughts???  I can't make sense of it, but they are there.  They exist in my head EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I titled today's post "Breaking Point" because I think I came to one of those yesterday.  I broke.  I actually think I shattered.  But, what I do have on my side is Faith.  I have Faith that no matter what tomorrow brings, God will make good of it for my life.  He will restore my husband if that is what his path is suppose to be and if it isn't, he will restore me, he will restore my son, his sons, and my daughters, he will restore our family.

I want him here, I want him to stay.  I want us to be together for many many more years.  But if we aren't.  I need to be OK with that.  Right now, I'm not.