A breaking heart combined with an understanding love

It's been awhile since I have updated the blog.  I'm sorry about that.  I've been very busy dealing with everything that sitting down and spending time doing this has not been my first priority.

January 15, 2018 really changed our lives.

That's the day that Jerry had his first Grand Mall Seizure.  He has not been the same since.  His cancer has become very aggressive and is no longer responding to any of the treatments that have been presented to him.
Jerry and I spoke to his Dr yesterday and he explained to us why surgery wasn't an option.  He also told us that patients on the Avastin treatment see improvements after the first infusion.  I asked his Dr. exactly what he meant by that.  He said, that they would see a functional improvement in the patients health.  I was sad to tell him that the changes in Jerry since his Avastin treatment have not been a functional improvement.  Rather a decline.  Jerry and I spent several hours together the other day just laughing and crying with each other.  He explained to me how tired he was, yet how he "didn't want to give up on his family".  It was heart-wrenching to hear him say that.  I don't believe anyone in their right mind would believe that Jerry is or ever has "given up".  But, as a man and as a Father, I can see why and how he feels that way.  He feels like a failure.  He feels like the cancer has beat him.  He feels like he is broken inside.  We cried, face to face together.  Then my phone lit up.  When I had a moment, I looked and I had received a message from a friend who had been reading my messages and felt inclined to reach out to Jerry and I to see how we were doing.  I told her we were broken and that Jerry was suffering physically and emotionally and I didn't know what to do.  She explained to me that she wanted to come by and talk to us.  So we invited her over.
We spoke to her for quite some time and when she left, Jerry told me that he felt more peace than he had in a long time.

You see......at Jerry's last Dr's appointment, they told him that he had two options.  Avastin Therapy or Hospice.  He had no other options left.  They said the cancer has become too aggressive and was not responding to traditional treatment anymore.  They had sadness in their eyes.  Their words were soft and subtle.  I cried and Jerry cried.  It was not what we wanted to hear but somewhere deep in the depths of our souls.....we knew it was coming.

Back to my story:
This friend that came by.  This angel that messaged me at just the right time.  She is a Hospice Nurse.  I didn't really "know her" she lives in our community of Hartland and had seen different posts and knew our story.  She felt compelled to connect with us and explain what Hospice was.  She said that people are often deceived by the program.  Jerry was thrilled to find out that what he "thought" hospice was, was very different as she presented it.    He realized it's a place where he can find peace and comfort.  A place where he is in charge of his treatment.  A place where he can rest when he needs to rest and find joy in his family when he has the energy to stay awake.

Jerry has decided to go into Hospice care.  He is at peace with this decision that he did not make impulsively.  He has been considering it for quite some time but only he and I had conversations about it.  He is scared, but he is also tired.  What Jerry needs right now is to rest and live out the time he has left, in peace.

My heart is broken, but I understand where he is.  I've been walking this path right along side of him and I can see how tired he is.  He is my hero.  He has fought the good fight, and he is tired.

Well done, good and faithful servant.


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